on back to school guilt.

As darkness enveloped the farm on Labor Day this year, I cried myself to sleep. It was dramatic, and real. I am 'extremely in touch with my emotions' as a friend had told me just hours earlier on the boat. 

Matt, being the saint he is, quietly asked what was wrong. I wish I could say that he is surprised at this behavior, but by now, its just par for the course. 

"I feel like we did nothing together this summer, we are just two ships in the wind." 

I had texted a friend earlier in the day. She has a 3rd grader and talked about summer ending and feeling guilty and sad, and I told her how I sometimes feel guilty that Matt busts his ass 70 hours (no joke) a week during the school year, only to string twinkle lights, pack the flower van, haul farm tables, and handle the flower compost all summer. How I'm gone all weekend every weekend. And she texted me back, "your husband doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do." 

And so, I'll take it. I wrote like, 23 hours ago about this summer. So I'll save you the waxing poetic post about what the past 3 months have been like. However, I will say this, whenever we go 'back to school' in our house, I am thrown for an absolute loop. But this 'loop' is how I started the flower business. This loop reminds me that Matt's job affords us the opportunity to do things like start side businesses. And this man does everything in his power to make me happy. 

Back to school is also back to routine, even for those of us who don't have kids. I'm excited for getting back to my morning routine & grocery shopping & school athletic events. #gohornets. 

But as I watched the sun dip behind the horizon on Labor Day, I thought about how many more times I wished we walked the break wall with the dog and got ice cream. And how many days I wished we jumped in the lake, and how I wish, perhaps more than anything, that we had gone camping more. 

And so, we promise one another things. Next year, a full 10 days away in the summer. Don't ask me how, but we will do this. I will see where the events fall and we will pack up the van and the dog and the tent and just drive away from the farm. And it'll be just the 3 of us cuddling in a tent and no one will know where we are. 

Let me be clear here, we had a LOT of fun this summer. 4th of July weekend, a small getaway in August, Faster Horses, being at the farm, countless nights under the twinkle lights, but still, I know that one day it won't be this easy to make time for us, so a part of me feels like I need to kick the 'time when its just us' moments into overdrive. 

Guilt is an ugly thing. You can't be everything to everybody. You can't knock every single thing off your checklist. You cannot be the world's best floral designer, the world's greatest lavender farmer, the world's most creative blogger, the world's best daughter, friend, puppy mama, wife. Where you are at on balancing these jobs right now, is exactly where you need to be. 

So let's all head back to school & find routine & allow that routine to give us that slow, intentional, creative time we crave. 

And cry a little bit on Labor Day & wait for next summer.

xo